11.04.24
woke up okay. i still feel childish and inadequate when i walk through the city/campus. i wonder constantly whether or not i look like i belong. i feel like everything i do is messy and childish and fumbling. whatever.
left feeling kinda useless after last night. i don't really ever feel like i'm going to be able to measure up. i feel like a bad person again. that's fine. i never really felt like a good one.
feels like i'm getting sucked in more and more to r+v and their worldview. it's probably unhealthy but i feel like i've found something where i can express the darkest parts of myself without judgement. i'll probably snap out of it soon enough but for now it feels good to be able to rescind to a place that is full of sick dark thoughts lol.
i'm becoming enamoured with the idea of suicide by gunshot but not in the raw suicidality type of way i used to experience, but somehow in a different way. i'm not sure how to explain it. but sometimes i feel like the only thing keeping me from blowing my brain against a wall is that it's hard as fuck to get a gun here and they would probably disqualify me for some reason or another. lol. a shotgun blast to the head would be my ideal way to go. quick and messy. i've been staring at the pictures of r+v's bodies a lot lately. it would be nice to have a quick way out that would show everyone just how fucked up my head is. sigh. fml.
i also couldn't do it to my mother or gf. i could never hurt them like that, it would ruin everything and that is too selfish even for me. still i find myself wishing that there was some way i could externalise the things i'm going through so someone could notice how fucked up i am and take action for me. oh well, that's life. i'll get over it.