4.08.24
another day feeling fucking useless. i don't know why people even bother speaking to me or keeping me around. i'm such a spineless, pathetic loser. i'm not even enough for my girlfriend to fight for. i feel gross all the time now, like i'm some leper or rotting thing people know instinctually to keep away from. i mess up every conversation i have, i'm not funny or clever, i'm not good enough. i just want to be the kind of person someone would do anything for. but obviously i'm not. failed fucking human being.
i feel like screaming and begging to be wanted but that's so ugly and pathetic and i know it would just drive people further away. my stupid fucking idiot brain is always torn between me being a pathetic, pitiful creature who is taken advantage of and forgotten and being a selfish and evil leech who sucks people dry and is brutish and foul and leering. fuck sake.
i have no outlet, noone to talk to. all i have is this retarded website i'm too much of a lazy idiot to even keep going. i can't talk to anyone about her because it feels wrong to be talking about her struggles with other people. and i can't talk to her about how worthless i feel because it would just make her feel guilty. fuck fuck fuck fuck. but i'm the only person she has and it feels like every single time i leave for more than 30 mins she does something crazy or freaks out and then i have to feel guilty, like it's my fucking fault i have to go to work or hang out with the 3 friends i actually have in real life. i can't balance anything and i feel like i'm drowning and i have noone and i should go to therapy but i don't want anyone to know i'm going (least of all her and my mother) and it's such a fucking pain to sign up and get put on a waiting list only for me to go and lie to the stupid fuck therapist because i hate talking about myself and i don't want to be hospitalised and i can't unpack anything because i'll never fucking stop.
i miss being a stupid teenage who could do stupid shit without thought. used to punch walls or cut myself or be a stupid pain seeking retard on the internet. now all i have is burying myself in reb and vodka content to diffuse some of the anger and disgust.
i can tell i'm starting to piss her off again because i'm so fucking pedantic and annoying. fck sake. part of me is just bracing for her to leave me because who would fucking bother with someone as stupid and pathetic as me. i feel dirty and weird and gross and loud and ugly all the fucking time. why can't i be enough to fight for. she was enough for me to get a bit better so why can't i be enough. i just want to be someone's love, who they love so much that nothing can get between us being together. feels like i'm destined to never get that kind of love.
i'm going to see my father for the first time in over a year soon and i want to fucking vomit. showing up with hair just like his, face just like his. fucking stupid fucking stupid i am like him. i hate myself for wanting to see him and i know i'm going to cave and hug him and feel held and safe and like a stupid little fucking kid. i'm such a fucking idiot seriously. my fucking fatal flaw. the stupid crack running through the center of myself started because i couldn't even be lovable enough for my own fucking father to fight for me. but like an idiot i'll still go and be his stupid fucking daughter and then come home and cry like a fucking idiot. because i am a fucking idiot. surrounded by people who fucking hate me. that stupid fucking family who always saw through to that deformed creature behind my face and knew i was wrong and bad and useless and fucking different. i can't fit anywhere and they fucking knew it. rejection of the father sealing my fate . how fucking stupid.
in other matters i might start writing diary pages in an actual book or on paper and scan them onto my computer to post here. that might help me get things out without having to make a fucking tard ass website page..... yawn.
29.08.24
i totally fucked up again which is great. i've always been a spiteful, selfish person and now she's starting to pick up on it. great. i fucking hate myself and i hate the way my brain works. i feel like some hulking monster who just lashes out for no reason. but then another part of me is still angry because i never take stupid tiffs like this seriously and i feel like i never get the benefit of the doubt. like it's always oh yeah sure i'm the fucking asshole piece of shit who just wants to hurt people, not oh maybe i'm having trouble controlling myself and i don't mean what i say. fucking whatever. wish i had someone to talk to about how angry i feel. or something to do that can help me get all the anger out. can't cut myself anymore because i made a stupid promise so i might just go back to punching walls like a retard. jesus christ i'm so pathetic.